Saturday, April 09, 2005
Condensed Milk Sep '94 - Opened
Condensed Milk, Sep '94
Here's something from September 1994.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Happy Little Forest Creatures
BETWEEN GOOD AND "BOB" AND EVIL
Prelude to a Futile Philosophy
by Frederick Snietzsche (1885)
(translated by Dr. Hieronymous Zinn)
63 Whoever is a SubGenius through and through takes nothing seriously in relationships with his sex partners--even himself.
64 "Slack for its own sake"--that is the last snare of immorality: with that one becomes completely entangled in it once more.
65 The attraction of slack would still be great, even if one did not have to overcome so much shame on the way.
65a One is most dishonest to "Bob": He is sin.
66 The inclination to decapitate himself, to let himself be shot, stabbed, clubbed, poisoned, strangled, exploded, tortured, ground, electrocuted, irradiated, frozen, burned, dissolved, or vacuum-packed, could be the slack of "Bob" among men.
67 Sex with one is a barbarism; for it is exercised at the expense of sexing all others. Sex with "Bob", too.
68 "I have done that," says my memory. "And I got away with it, too," says my slack, and remains inexorable. Eventually--pinkness yields.
69 One has watched life badly if one misses out on the stark fist that considerately--removes.
70 If one belongs to the conspiracy one just has typical experiences, basically a 'lather, rinse, repeat' life.
71 The slack of astronomer.--As long as you drill for X-day, they will come.
72 Not the intensity of the 'Frop high, but the duration of the 'Frop high makes for the better long-term mutagenic effect.
73 Whoever reaches for the ideal meal gets the perfect cheeseburger.
73a What if your penis was located on your forehead? Wouldn't eating soup be a problem?
74 A man who spits is bearable if he does not also have at least two other things: shag carpeting and a penis on his forehead.
75 The degree and kinds of sexuality in a man are never enough.
76 Under peaceful conditions a warlike man bar-b-cues. The secret ingredient in his sauce is beer.
77 With one's slack one wants to bully the pinks, or criticize, scold, rip-off, or ignore them. Go for it.
78 Whoever pleasures himself still respects himself in the morning.
79 A SubGenius that has sex and pays for it, instead of being paid for it, betrays his slack: he is going to get it in the bottom.
80 Car keys are found in the last place you look for them.--What was on the mind of "Bob" when he counseled: "What time is it?" Did he mean: "Cease to concern yourself! Become pseudojective!"
81 It is terrible to die of thirst in a bar. Did you have to eat so many pretzels?
82 "Piss on them all"--would be really hard on you unless your bladder was huge.
83 Upstinct.--When the butt burns one forgets even lunch.--Yes, but one accepts that free lunch later.
84 Woman learns to hate to the extent to which her chasm stinks.
85 The same orgasm in man and woman are yet different in tempo and frequency: therefore man and woman do not cease to misunderstand each others' needs.
86 Women usually hide their 'Frop in the vanity table.
87 Tethered head good, freep.--If one tethers one's head severely and imprisons it, one can take many liberties: have I said that once before? But one does not believe me, does one?
88 One begins to mistrust very clever people when they sexually harass and steal one's stuff.
89 Terrible experiences can be fun. I will explain this sometime.
90 Heavy people become heavier precisely through what makes others heavier--overeating. Did I really need to say this?
91 So hot, so icy that one burns off their frozen finger on him! Every hand is startled when touching him.--And for that very reason some people want to kill him.
92 Who has not, for the sake of a good time--sacrificed money?
93 Slackabilly contains hatred and contempt for men. It must be destroyed. (Delado slackabilly est)
94 A man's maturity--consists of having found again the seriousness one had as a child, smearing one's feces on the living-room wall.
95 To be afraid of one's mortality--that is a step on the staircase at whose end one falls off and dies whether one is afraid or not.
96 One should part from life as Ozymandias' poem ended: leaving lots of loose ends and blaming it on some guy from Porlock.
97 What? A great man? I see only a great salesman.
98 If we train our conscience, it kisses us on the ass.
99 The voice of disappointment: "I was there on X-day, and all I got was this lousy tee-shirt."
100 In front of others we all pose as simpler than we are: thus we take the slack from our fellow men.
101 Today the man of knowledge might well feel like a goddamned animal.
102 Discovering that one is loved in return should make one ask, "Do I really want someone with so much bad taste that they want me?"
103 Danger is happiness is slack.--"Now everyone responds to my destiny. Now I love my destiny--who feels like touching my destiny?"
104 Nothing but the impotence of their beliefs keeps the Christians of today from--burning us alive.
105 The pia fraus (pious fraud) offends the tastebuds of the SubGenius, who has the impia fraus (impious fraud)("Bob"). Hence their profound lack of sympathy for the Christian church and its unfreedom.
106 In RealAudio the passions enjoin themselves.
107 Once the delusion has been achieved, close your third nostril even to the smell of strong character. Thus you will occasionally have the will to be stupid.
108 There are no phenomena at all, but only the remnants of our fractured reality.
109 A criminal is frequently not equal to his deed: how stupid do you have to be to hold up a bank with a banana?
110 The lawyer defending a criminal is rarely artistic enough to get all of his assets before he is convicted.
111 Our inanity is hardest to wound when our insanity has just been wounded.
112 Those who are predestined to see and not believe will find believers noisy and obtrusive, or lying dead in a circle. This causes the nonbelievers to scoff all the louder.
113 "You want to repossess your slack? Then pretend to care when they tell you their problems."
114 The enormous ejaculation in sexual love and the sense of disgust in this ejaculation in the mouth spoils all perspective for most women from the start.
115 When neither lust nor hatred is in the game, a woman's game is greed.
116 The greatest spume of our life come when we rechristen our evil and go on an absolute rampage.
117 The will of cause and effect is effectively the will of other effects, or the cause of several other causes.
118 There is an innocence in exhibition; it is found in those to whom it has never yet occurred that they, too, might be confined to jail one of these days.
119 The disgust with dirt can be so great that we learn how to clean ourselves with our tongues--like a dog.
120 'Frop often hastens lust so great that the marriage only lasts two hours.
121 It was subtle of "Bob" to publish in Xistian, then charge extra for translations--then even more for accurate translations.
122 Enjoying prose is in some people merely a courtesy to a bad author--their work filling a much needed gap.
123 Even prostitution has been corrupted--by government.
124 Pinks who take it up the ass triumph not over pain but at the pain being less than they expected from the conspiracy.
125 When we have to change our mind, we hold the inconvenience the surgeon causes very much against him.
126 People are a mistake.
127 Science offends the modesty of all real women. It makes them feel like you want to rape and murder and eat them for dinner--yet worse, that you want to say that they have big feet and are fat.
128 The more abstract the truth is that you would teach, the more you can seduce your students to raise their subjective grades.
129 The devil has the broadest invectives for "Bob"; therefore he keeps his wife as far from him as possible--not wanting to be cuckolded again.
130 What a Yeti man is begins to betray itself when his slack increases--when he stops showing what he can do. Talent, too, is wasted; getting wasted, too, is a saving grace.
131 The sexes deceive each other--because at bottom they only honor and love sex with "Bob" (or their other current personal savior). Thus man likes woman violent--and woman is essentially violent, like a cat, to stimulate the man to be violent like "Bob".
132 One is best punished. Two is well punished. Three is OK punished. Four is so-so punished. Five gets over.
133 Whoever does not know how to find the way to Dallas, is either stupid or is on the wrong freeway.
134 All credibility, all conscientiousness, all official truth are dispelled by insentience.
135 Phlegmism is not a degeneration of a good sinus: a good deal of it is rather the condition of not blowing one's nose.
136 One seeks an ego boost, another a rube he can scam: origin of a good conversation.
137 When associating with the schooled and the autistic we easily miscalculate in opposite directions: with a remarkable education we find slackless slavery for the rest of the life, and with the autistic, we find someone whose every craving is waited on hand and foot.
138 When we are awake we also do what we do in our dreams: we invent a lewd fantasy surrounding anyone we are vaguely attracted to--then immediately forget them.
139 In 'X' and 'Y' woman is more 'Z' than man.
140 Rule as a riddle in the middle of a piddle.--"What is long and thick and dark, has two nuts--and makes girls fat?"
141 The flaccid penis is the reason why man does not take easily take himself for a god.
142 The funniest words I have heard: "A votre place, Monsieur, j'enclouerais la piece": spoken to a cuckolded husband.*
* "In your place, Sir, I would spike the piece." (The practice of disabling a muzzle-loading cannon by hammering a spike into the touch hole through which the charge was ignited.)
143 The con desires that what we do best should be hardest for us.--Sit down. Shut up. Turn on the TV.
144 When a woman has lesbian inclinations, there is usually something wrong with her heterosexuality. When a woman has heterosexual inclinations, there is usually something wrong with her lesbianism. Neither is a problem with bisexual women.
145 Comparing man and woman on the whole, one may say: they may have an equal number of holes, but one of the woman's is larger.
146 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he is appropriately armed. And though beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes all the way to the bone.
147 From an old, adult Florentine novel; also--from life: "Buona femmina e mala femmina vuol vibrator."*
* "Good and bad women want a vibrator." (?)
148 Seducing one's neighbor and afterwards acting piously--who could equal women in this art?--
149 What a time experiences as fashion is usually an untimely echo of what was formerly experienced as a sucker pitch--a good salesman's retail of schlockdrek disguised as "cutting-edge technology."
150 Around the hero everything turns into a tragedy; around the villain are hot babes, money and power; and around "Bob"?--
151 Having a copyright is not enough: one also requires a lawyer who would fornicate with the dead.
152 "The tree of knowledge bears bitter fruit": thus speaks "The Shadow".
153 Whatever is done for "Bob" always occurs beyond good and evil.
154 Obsessions, digestion, gray mistrust, the delight in crockery are signs of health: discarded rectums belong to the proctopathologist.
155 The sense of the comic gains and wanes with sexuality.
156 Individuals are mad only when it interferes with the conspiracy.
157 The threat of suicide is a powerful aphrodisiac: it will even get you laid on even a dreadfully dull night.
158 To our strangest drives, the tyrant in us, not only our reason and our conscience bow, but our wallet also empties.
159 One has to repay good and ill--but payback is far more important that repayment.
160 One no longer loves hindsight when it is someone else's.
161 Editors treat writers shamelessly: they sploit them.
162 "His money--is not his money but my money"--thus thinks every government.
163 People who dress really weird are accountants and insurance clerks inside--people who dress conservatively commit abominations.
164 Jesus said to his Jews: "This ministry needs your contributions so that we can continue to spread the good word. No personal checks: cash or money order only."
165 Regarding all parties.--For "Bobs'" sake, take the goddamned light shade off of your head. You are not being funny.
166 Even when her mouth says, "No! No! No!"--her body says, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"--and her badge says, "Yer busted! Yer busted! Yer busted!"
167 In men who are hard, intimacy involves sex. Sorry, girls.
168 Christianity gives Eris people to eat: so what if he gets acid indigestion?
169 Talking about what one really feels will always get you into trouble.
170 Praise, instead of money, still beats a jab with a pointed stick, but not by much.
171 In a man devoted to slack, pity seems almost ridiculous, like honesty in a mattress salesman.
172 From love of man one occasionally embraces someone at random (giving you both the heebie-jeebies): but this is a poor time to reveal your feminine side.
173 One should not just hate and loathe, one should make every effort to dump on the object of that hate and loathing.
174 You Unitarians, you too, think you can ecumenize your way out of the end of the world? Live in the herd--die like the sheep you are.
175 In the final analysis, even a pretty girl has pimples on her butt.
176 The slack of others only offends you if you are pink.
177 Perhaps there is no need to explain what "surreality" is.
178 One does not credit clever people with fucking up, unless one is in the news media.
179 A big, angry dog does not care if you are "most likely to succeed," or, "miss consolation prize."
180 There is a joy in lying and getting away with it which is a sign of good faith from the followers of a cause.
181 It is inhuman to bless without remuneration.
182 The familiarity of the slackless is useless, unless you plan to use then discard them later.
183 "Not that I lied to you, but that you didn't believe me, has made me very disappointed in you."
184 The high spirits of kindness may look like malice, is what you try to convince them--while you are screwing them silly.
185 "I don't like him."--Why?--"Because he is an asshole."--Where have I heard this one before?
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
I want your SexHurt(tm)
Americana, by Onan Rockhard
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
SubGenius Image Sharing
And there are Flickr groups set up for general SubGenius stuff, as well as two special groups I set up for X-Day photos/art and devival photos/art.
So what are you waiting for? Eh?
The World will END in THREE MONTHS! (again)
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
Fax: (216) 320-9528
UFO SEX CULT GATHERS IN NEW YORK FOR APOCALYPSE
CLEVELAND, Ohio, April 5, 2005: The Church of the SubGenius has
announced that the end of the world will take place on Tuesday, July 5,
2005. In preparation for the fulfillment of this doomsday prophecy, the
Church is requesting that all of its members participate in a bizarre
religious ceremony taking place in upstate New York, during the final
weekend before the arrival of the apocalypse.
Since its inception in 1953, Church founder J.R. "Bob" Dobbs has
predicted that a fleet of flying saucers will arrive at the beginning
of July to destroy the worldwide Conspiracy against the Church of the
SubGenius, while all ordained SubGenius ministers will be rescued by
escape vessels piloted by the Alien Sex Goddesses, also known as the
The Church is inviting all of its members worldwide to gather together
for the final hours in Sherman, New York from July 1 to July 5, at a
clothing-optional outdoor campground called Brushwood Folklore Center.
The first gathering at this compound took place in 1996, and the event
has increased in size and participants each following year. 1998 was
designated the first true "X-Day," and each successive year has added
one to the total. This year's celebration in 2005 is X-Day 8, or X-Day
The Church has been engaged in a massive recruitment campaign to
increase the numbers of its membership before the arrival of the Xists.
According to Church records, the organization currently has
approximately 100,000 members worldwide. SubGenius recruitment has been
especially dedicated among the ranks of people who refuse to conform to
the norms of society, including disbelievers, blasphemers, pranksters,
rebels, hackers, pornographers, geeks, and outcasts.
The Church is seeking performers and producers from the adult
entertainment industry in particular, because sexual freedom has been
an important part of Church doctrine from the start. X-Day will be a
celebration of pornography and adult entertainment, and certain parts
of the event will be restricted to adults only. Only ordained ministers
of the Church of the SubGenius are allowed at the event, but the Church
is accepting memberships at its standard rate of $30 up until the final
hours of July 4.
The Church of the SubGenius has been no stranger to controversy since
its foundation, and the upcoming X-Day celebration promises to be no
different. In the late 1980s, members of the Church were accused of
spreading a virus in Macintosh computers known as the "Peace Virus."
Numerous articles have been written on the Church in such noteworthy
publications as the New York Times, Washington Post, Wired Online,
Boston Globe, U.S. News and World Report; and broadcast reports have
been produced by CNN and NPR. In April 1999, officials of the city of
Cambridge, Massachusetts shut down an official SubGenius Devival
gathering in the belief that the Church was affiliated with the
Trenchcoat Mafia (the organization blamed for the Columbine high school
shootings), though authorities later realized the association was
mistaken. In its January 1, 2000 issue, a Time magazine poll declared
J.R. "Bob" Dobbs the biggest fraud of the 20th century.
Detailed information about X-Day can be found on the World Wide Web at
the X-Day Web site:
The official home page of the Church of the SubGenius can be found at:
Photographers, entertainers, production companies, radio broadcasters,
and all media producers are encouraged to contact the Church at its
Cleveland, Ohio headquarters.