Saturday, June 11, 2005
What do you do when you REALLY, REALLY FINALLY go NUTS?
I mean, like, you take every stupid comment, every ill-advised secret revealed, every scrap of personal info and junk mail fished from their trash and weave it into a series of jaw-dropping personal nukes that make even evil bastards such as Ted Turner, the Enron boys or Lex Luthor look like drooling, microcephalic teenagers in a state facility, jabbing at X-Box buttons just to make the pretty colors change on the TV?
What if Enough became so VERY much Enough that you triggered a chain of events leading to the virtual decimation of multiple lives because the smugness, arrogance and casual abuses finally led to a juggernaut of personal destruction that ruined dozens in every way that mattered to them most and left the grateful untouched few to just stare at their shoes for a fortnight, wondering how they were missed and if they are slated for the next wave?
Then what if Kirstie Alley suddenly knocked on your door, sucked your trailer hitch bare and banged you so thoroughly, even doing THAT SPECIAL THING YOUR WIFE or GIRLFRIEND WOULD NEVER DO, that you not only dropped your draconian plans, but forgot your middle name for a week?
Discuss, you godforsaken, self-righteous, effete corps of impudent snobs. God bless you.
Sometimes the difference between
merely crazy and REALLY crazy
is the difference between
licking a Duracell and
licking a DieHard
Your anger can be 49 percent
and your comedy 51 percent,
and you are okay.
If the anger is 51 percent,
the comedy is gone.
- Joan Rivers
"You know you've got a problem
when you gag a plumber."
- Tom Parks
Hotel "Bob" Cover
Hotel "Bob" #1
Hotel "Bob" #2
Hotel "Bob" #3
Hotel "Bob" #4
Hotel "Bob" #5
Hotel "Bob" #6
Hotel "Bob" #7
Hotel "Bob" #8
Hotel "Bob" #9
Hotel "Bob" #10
Hotel "Bob" #11
Hotel "Bob" #12
Hotel "Bob" #13
Hotel "Bob" #14
Friday, June 10, 2005
8X-DAY clothing, keepsakes, hats, badges, buttons, bumper stickers, pendants, nose pickers
T-SHIRTS: 16 offensive new designs by LeMur, Heart Ignition, IMBJR, Espira, "OTHERS"
New: THROW PILLOWS! (Seriously.) And mouse pads, journals, and misc. doodads
POSTERS and FRAMED PRINTS: by popular request, "e-paintings" by Heart Ignition are now available. Did you know that the classic "45 Dobbsheads" has been followed by "45 more" and "45 Dobbsheads 3"? Plus another couple dozen? Those and more are STREWN catalog-wide.
CERAMIC ART TILES: Eternal Testaments. This has some of the most penetrating visual work of the Church, CONDENSED.
GREETING CARDS: Sometimes sensitive issues such as a death, or the loss of a job or partner, are most conveniently settled by just sending a pre-processed modular card, avoiding all that difficult personal interaction. THESE ARE THE CARDS YOU WERE LOOKING FOR.
COFFEE MUGS: These are for DRINKERS. Drinkers of all kinds -- of soporifics, stimulants, psychedelics, whatever -- as long as it's HARD STUFF.
FROPTAINERS and STASHBOXES: The less said the better, nudge wink nudge EEAAAAUAULLLPP!
STICKERS: Now disguised as public service messages like you see on the tram.
POSTCARDS: Easily pretend you're sending from a foreign mindset.
BUMPER STICKERS: One really good new one to go with the two dozen really good old ones.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
There's something about an Everclear man
Why Do Men Have Nipples?
new Mark Leyner book to be released on July 26, 2005. Some of the other questions covered:
>> -How do people in wheelchairs have sex?
By making proper use of their powerful arms. Wouldn't YOU find a way?
>> -Why do I get a killer headache when I suck down my milkshake too fast?
Because cold makes everything contract and if you cool it down fast enough, you get a little oompah for being a glutton.
>> -Can I lose my contact lens inside my head forever?
Only if you jam it up your nose and even then, one good sneeze will dislodge it. How long is your relative idea of forever?
>> -Why does asparagus make my pee smell?
Because it interacts badly with the residue of all the fun-drugs you took as a youngster that make you mentally deficient enough to post your crap on a blog.
>> -Why do old people grow hair on their ears?
To fend off flying bugs that like to crawl in and lay eggs.
>> -Why do people post their drivel all over the place as if more than 2 million mental cases would ever see it?
Because the paremeters for "masturbation" and "voyeurism" have become so broad, only the use of a computer can spread the BS far enough to bring the wankers to completion. *SPLORP* Ahhhh.....
All Hail the Blue Fluid
There are those who are born great, those who make themselves great and those who think drinking the Blue Fluid and taking on an 8-pack of police officers is great. Place your bets, my dahlings, place your bets.
My inner imbecile says you are a moron
and therefore my inferior on the Idiot Scale
Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes
and clever in their own sight.
- Isaiah 5:21
"They know I am a masturbating loser,
but I'm a sophisticated masturbating loser
who understands deep focus
and theatrical lighting."
- Marc Maron
Governor of SportsLand Rocknar, and First Sponsor of Dr. Howl's appearance at 8X-Day, has mangled a beloved old favorite comic book into an all-new saga of a descent into Hell by the famous SubGenius, Pastor Craig. (Pastor Craig is actually a SubGenius Saint of long standing.) See THIS WAS YOUR LIFE, PASTOR CRAIG.
And, thanks to new ediotors, Rev. Fenian and Rev. Paco, THE STARK FIST ONLINE has an updated FEBRUARY 2005 ALT.SLACK DIGEST encompassing the bizarre thoughts and discoveries of the alt.slack denizens during that strange month.
The "DR. HOWL TO 8X-DAY" FUND is getting CLOSE -- we're only $150 from our goal, which is a $412 plane ticket, SF to CLE. (Turns out I spoke a "wei" bit too soon... Wei and I already gave more at the office than we thought. Or would really want to think ABOUT.)
SEVENTY FIVE BUCKS will bring Dr. Howl to 8X-Day!
$35 each from TWO MORE BELIEVERS WILL DO IT!
Or $25 from THREE!
Paypal button on X-Day page
OR email me with half your credit card # and then another email with the other half and the expiration date!
With Philo AND Hal there, we won't need ANY PREACHERS OR BANDS! (We'll have them anyway.)
Speaking of bands, the only "name bands" or even bands that HAVE names that I know are coming are The Amino Acids and Lonesome Cowboy Dave's Mondo Retardo Band. That means major jam-space and DJ-ing time for ambitious or compulsive arteests and Doktors. So bring your noisemakers.
Last year we didn't EXPECT Little Fyodor, but he and Babushka showed up and turned in a set that blew everybody away (and became a live album!).
Another way to help make 8X-Day a big success is to BUY TONS OF SACRED MEDIA DIRECTLY FROM THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION:
There's quite a bit that's brand spanking new.
PRAISE BE to the DONATORS of the HOWL-TICKET: Gov. Rocknar, Sister Decadence, Phineas Narco, Rev. Weinholt, Rev. Delirus!
Monday, June 06, 2005
Dr. Howll Needs Money!
> the summer WRITING A BROADWAY MUSICAL --! (With MONEY behind it!) --
> and he needs to know if he's gonna be coming to 8X-Day.
> THAT ENTIRELY DEPENDS ON SOMEBODY, ANYBODY, OR EVERYBODY HELPING SCARE
> UP PLANE FARE which would probably be about $450. Last year Dr. Tilles
> and me split Hal's plane fare but this year I don't HAVE that plane
> fare half. I TOOK the other half.
> IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE, AND THEN ANOTHER DOCTOR?
Thanks to Gov. Rocknar, last night on the IRC we were able to scare up
donations to the tune of $170 towards Hal's plane ticket!
WE ONLY NEED ANOTHER $270!
THE DONATIONS BUTTON AT
lets you do it by paypal!
Or just email me a credit card number!
Or call! This is serious.
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB
HAPPY SIXES & SEVENS & NINES FOR HERE COMES THE SUMMER DAY/WEEK
[Taoist Spirit of Wine]
HAPPY ROLLER COAST HER DAY!
6/6/1884 -- US: Worlds first roller coaster opens, Coney Island, NYC.
"When we talk about property, State, masters, government, laws, courts, & police, we say only that we don't want any of them."
— Luigi Galleani, The End of Anarchism?
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
avrillavigne.com - Mboard - posted 06/05/05...
JUST ASK AVRIL
Question from gr8rboi to Avril Lavigne:
. . . What weather of shelters
our own or anybody's analogs—
feeds down the icecaps to computers
its song of fallout
What crawl of cobalt
cracks the blood count with bells,
dissolves the crystals
& divides the lovebirds in the laboratories
from the dead? . . .
That question(s) actually comes from
an excerpt from his
"Letter to the President."
...So sorry for the interruption of the rupture of the rapture,
now back to our regularly scheduled
letter to Avril from gr8rboi:
Does it bother U when U R not given proper credit?
If it will please the judge, the most honorable Avril Lavigne, I would hereby like to address both Her and the current court of opinion, as Mikey Burnman: Attorney At Lawlessness.
In the famous words of a fellow Canadian -- no, not Skye Sweetnam, but rather that other great Canadian rocker, Mr. Neil Young: "This is a really long song, and we're gonna play it real slow tonight." So if you haven't got the time, don't do the crime of reading this here Thought Crime of mine.
The question of record again -- repeated here for benefit of the stoned/memory impaired in the audience, is...
Does it bother you now -- or did it bother you in the past -- when you are not given proper credit for your work?
And while the world eagerly awaits Your answer to my question, if You'll allow it, I'd like to give my own version of an answer. Not in any way to answer for You, but merely for myself, and for my family, religion and country, all of whom I so dearly love & hate & disown.
For the answer is YES: When They foolishly attempt to discredit You, I take it personally, and it certainly foolishly pains me. Like older, punk brother and sisters-in-arms, all your biggest fans get defensive and protective of You.
Now as we all know ALL artists come under attack. Believe me when I tell you, minor poets such as myself certainly get tarred and feathered on a regular daily basis -- why mere Reality itself is an affront to my very dreams of existence -- and this comes from one who has had no success worth speaking of.
Alas, I know too well it's my own damn fault. It seems my outrageous ego and voluminosity practically begs, nay demands to be kicked, especially when I'm down, and by any & all means necessary. And as sure as I am here talking to you now I know I will get blasted when this post hits the fans. Still I will not back off silently into that bad night. I'll wear it proudly, that KICK ME sign on my back.
But it seems You, your honor, really get slagged above and beyond any reasonable expectations.
Of course, it's obvious they are all just secretly jealous of all your talent and beauty, all your accomplishments at such a young age, all your success and all your worldwide popularity, and that you're having way too much damn fun in the process. And to top it all off, you're a Toppermost Woman/Pop Queen/Rock Goddess.
But the plaintiffs' dirty laundry must be aired in order to be thrown back in & out with the bath water. For there have been some seriously ridiculous charges made against your great name and reputation, and therefore they must be seriously scuffed up and ridiculously scoffed at.
Now as to the owners of the following passages down below of what passes for criticism on Amazon.com, their names will be withheld to protect the guilty -- of both their ill-formed opinions, as well as their poor spelling and grammar.
To be fair, The People will be quoted verbatim, and to be fairly obvious, I will speak for The Accused. So line 'em up and knock 'em down, and let Shesus Christina Aguilera Herself sort 'em out.
THEM: "...You could't buy such talent and quality (er... yes you can! Production teams, make up, wardrobe assistants, studio engineers, family relations in the music industry, etc...)"
US: Give me a break. What family relations in the music industry? The honorable Avril Lavigne here won a contest, to sing live before a Shania Twain concert, and the rest is history, or herstory, if you will allow it. Of course there is more to it than that, but then there always is. But music industry nepotism? How absurd. I'd like to enter Defense Exhibit A: VH1's "Driven."
And as for makeup assistants? Such balderdash. Avril does her own makeup. And quite well I might add. You see the results before you. But for actual evidence of her work on herself, see Defense Exhibit B: "Behind the Scenes Footage" from the DualDisc, Under My Skin. --NEXT.
THEM: "...She is rude to her fans, she calls herself things that arn't true, and have you ever seen this girl on a skateboard other then in her videos?..."
US: Your honor, if it please the court, I for one like to see the evidence of Avril being rude to her fans. As if such evidence exists. All I see is abundant evidence to the contrary. Witness Avril's joyous appreciation of a gathering of fans before a show in Japan serenading her, singing her own song to her. And as for asking if anyone's ever seen Avril on a skateboard except in a promotional video. Quelle merde. One need only take a look at Avril's old, multi-stickered banged-up skateboard, stored at her parents' home. And watch Avril skateboarding all over the place in and around stadiums before her shows. Lo & behold behind the scenes footage Defense Exhibit C: "Avril's Cut." --NEXT.
THEM: "...Avril is not the type of person you think she is. She cant play guitar,she just strums on any chord she can, she even said so in a magizine. She cant sing either, She claims to be punk but look at her. Shes not even close..."
US: Again, pathetically stupid charges. First off, as Avril has said, both on TV and in print media, she has never claimed to be a punk. Read Defense Exhibit D: Maxim (Oct, 2004).
[As an irrelevant and immaterial aside to the Jukebox Jury: I personally think and believe that Avril is SO PUNK ROCK. But then, as a Professor Shorthair with a Ph.D. in Punk Philosophy, I have MY own definition of just what is punk rock -- which by definition, is punk rock in & of itself. No?]
As for Avril "not" playing guitar and singing: Come on now! Again, witness her in concert, watch the live concert footage, electric and acoustic performances: Avril is so like Bowie sang and "Ziggy played GUITAR." Defense Exhibits E, & F'n' G: "My World," AOL Live Sessions, & 2004 Grammy-Award Nomination for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance of the Year, for "I'm With You."
THEM = Explicitly Named Plaintiff, AOL.
Allow me to digress here as I am wont to do, before I address the following false charge: AOL, of whom I've a been a more or less happy member now for 6 years, features many great AOL Studio performances of Avril, and presents musical choices by Avril for AOL Avril Radio, and AOL even chose Avril as Numero Uno among 21 best artists under 21 in 2005.
Yet AOL nonetheless dropped the ball when giving their reasons why they chose Your honor to be number one: "...Avril upped her own ante in 2004 when Under My Skin, her sophomore CD for which she co-wrote several songs..."
US: HELLO! Hell, can't you read the credits, AOL? More like, for which Avril co-wrote ALL the songs. Just as she did on the first album.
Silly, AOL. I expect more from you. For shame. AOL gets paid, with my good blood, sweat & tears & money, and plenty more from other Avril fans as well. Unlike the foul mouthed yob plaintiffs who spout off on Amazon for free. AOL homework assignment: Defense Exhibits H & I: Song credits for Let Go & Under My Skin.
Before I go any further, and before any more of the jury nods off, may I request a brief recess fuel injection?
Court is now back in session, the right honorable Avril again presiding.
Now I have a confession to make:
I don't personally know anyone who digs Avril. The hard cold facts of which sadden this old punk, dearly. Now of course I know that they cannot help their rolling blindness and the rocks in their ears, and that they know not what they do, but seriously, and I mean this with affection, F--- them! I will still push You on all of THEM at every turn, wearing Avril hats & T-shirts, displaying Avril stickers on my car, writing Avril group emails, blogs, Amazon.com reviews, etc., etc., etc.
Of course, a conclusion could be drawn that that is precisely why You are slagged. Perhaps it is the great number and the eagerness of your devoted fans that offends people's nerves. And if so, I say, mea culpa, mea culpa. And I direct you again to see my F--- 'em response above.
In summation, AND I KNOW THIS HAS ALL BEEN ONE HELL OF A BIG, LONG ADDITION ON THE HOUSE OF MY ORIGINAL QUESTION to Just Ask AVRIL, I'd like to leave You now with my own passage of time in a bottle. The following comes from an email I recently wrote to Avril, a short letter which I don't know that You've ever seen. Until now.
US: "HARD RED CANDY APPLE AVRIL FOR NOW BEATLE PISTOL PEOPLE."
This is the title of my review of UNDER MY SKIN at amazon.com, the same review I later expanded on and sent to all my friends -- and some local media types -- at the end of the year. This was where I officially named UNDER MY SKIN the Best Album of 2004.
I just listened to the album again on the new DualDisc. I don't have 5.1 Surround Sound, but it sounds great.
BTW, the Behind The Scenes video is a great. Thanks so much for another inside view. Can you be possibly be anymore cooler? The answer is of course, YES -- check "Avril's Cut," YOUR own take on a behind the scenes movie. A TREMENDOUS documentary.
She can direct, edit, act, sing, write, play, entertain, dance, romance, ROCK. You're simply the absolute best.
You deserved to win ALL the awards in America but hell, we voted back in Bush so you can see where are heads are at. So glad to see that at least you got all those Juno's and all those awards from as far away as France. Mais oui, zee French certainment know qué what you call your pasa...
Still after listening to UNDER MY SKIN so many times, it so blows me away. Devastates and revives me all at the same time every time.
This morning's listening party convinced me once again as well that "Nobody's Home" is the best song of the past year. AND best video to boot.
Well, if you're still reading all this, thanks so much for your time and consideration.
Can't wait to catch you in Boston in August. See You from THE PIT."
I rest my case.
Mike Burns 4 U___________________________
1 Response on the Avril Mboard So Far... fr jasmine84: "Wow, that is far too long to read. Good question though, I think."
President Merkin Muffley: Gentlemen! You can't fight in here, this is the War Room!
You win, Mr. President. Why it's just another pink MBOARD Member who MBored of MB's Flat Bed Board of Higher Dedication to Brain Deaducation...
HAPPY SIXES & SEVENS & NINES/HERE COMES THE SUMMER!