Saturday, November 26, 2005
(This was first a reply to AOL Music Board: Best Gift List Ever, 11/26/05)
I DRINK THEREFORE I AM ME & NOT YOU SO FUCK OFF!
Mike Burns/Bush Merde:
TV Advertisement (cue SNL's Dan Akroyd and Jane Curtain):
"Hi! I'm Mel, for Mel's Cell Video Capture Celeb Dead Pool Char Palace! Where you find your own cow! You cut your own steaks! You select your own sacred cow from over 200 celebrity head! You stun it! You cut it! You char broil it! You.. cut.. your own steaks! You kill your idol and you cell video capture the whole damn thing live! You write, act, direct and produce! You cell it and then you sell it! We give you the saw and the cell phone and the multimedia tabloid contacts! You cut your own sirloins, tips, blades, and roasts! You find it! You stun it! You cut it! As big and as thick as you want it! You film it! You sell it to highest bidder for the whole damn celebrity dead pool starved world to see! Only at Mel's Cell Video Capture Celeb Dead Pool Char Palace! Our saws and cells are light!
Now here's Mrs. Mel on where you can order online our latest DVD release just in time for Christmas."
"Thanks, Mel. I am me, Mrs. Mel. You remember when last spring Jack White rush released a new White Stripes album entitled Get Behind Me, Satan (And Don't Be Playa Hatin'), a collection of barely there new songs to counteract former girlfriend's Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney's rush to marriage. Well, this isn't like that cash that cow in now for uberpublicity at all. Our favorite cadaver club customer, a celebreality horror show in his own mind, and your favorite punk rock producer/sonic reducer -- Move over Joe Simpson, it's my main man music mogul -- Mike Burns presents:
Top 40 "singer" Ashlee Simpson stars in,
"I Stink Therefore I Am Me & Not You So Go Stun, Cut & Charbroil Me In My Very Own Celebreality Snuff Film Juices Already"
Order yours now online at thewaymouth/blowhole/mikebrns4Ufirstname.lastname@example.org now, and have it delivered in time for the Kwanzaa.
Here then are your songs in progress, in no running dog jackal order, your working title prime cuts:
* Wanna Bet I Am Me And Better Than You
* Pieces Of Meat (I Want You To Hold 'Em Between Your Knees)
* Pieces Of Me Are On My Foot
* You Can Kiss My Ashlee
* Tanked Girl
* Smile! You're On Drunkard Camera
* For What It's Worth (There's Something Wrong Up In Here)
* You Can Capture My Image But You Can't Steal My Spirit (Because We All Know I Have No Soul)
* Aqua Teen Hunger Force Feed Yourselves On The Flesh Of My Flesh
* Lights, Camera, Atrocity!
* "Say Cheeboiger!"
* These Boots Are Made For Licking
* Would You Like Lies With That Uranium Cake?
* I'm La La Lovin' It When You're Ha Ha Hatin' Me
* Won't You Dance Me In Before You Take Me Out?
* John Lennon Was Killed 25 Years Ago Today So Why Don't We Celebrate The Date By Blowing My Mind Out In A Car
* Catch Her In The Rye And Watch Her Die
* Hang Up That Phone Bitch, Before I Start Singing
* Here's My Hip Flask So Where's My Happy Meal, Bitch?
* Bad Acid Reflux Fucks You Up But Good
* Love Me For Me And My Foot
* Boo Birds Fly Over The Rainbow (Why, Oh Why Can't You?)
* All You Happy Little Boo Birds Can Go Get Stuffed
* You Can Have Your Orange Bowls And Your Hanging Chads And Your Dupeya And Go Dig Your Own Mass Graves, Bitches (Yes, We Have No Bananas Today)
* Supersize This, Bitch
* I've Got Five Million Ways To Make You Kiss My Foot
* Talk To The Hand, Bitch (I Don't Talk To The Help)
* Don't Fuck With Me (I'm The Smart One In My Family)
* I Didn't Steal Your Beer, Friend
* Molson Beer -- I Am Me And Not Canadian
* Canada Can Kiss My Left Foot
* A Is For Ashes For Ashlee
* Anarchy In The US of Ashlee
* I've Got The Mickey DT's Again
* Ronald Raygun & Ronald McDonald Are The Devil Dog Twins (Just Ask My Good Friend, Chrissie Hynde)
* I Am Not Drinking Any Fucking Merlot! (Merlot Sucks You In But It Won't Piss You Out)
* Oh, Blow The Ho Down
* Emergency: Ho Down
* The Last Ho Down
* Can't Keep A Good Ho Down
* This Foot's For You
* Great Hate! Less Killing!
* Milli Vanilli Ain't Got Flies On Shit On Me
* Me And My Shallow Shadow
* Mike Burns 4 Me Now And Not U So Fuck Off, Bitches
* Not So Think As You Nice I Am
* Not So Think As You Drunk I Am Me
* I Drink Therefore I Am Better Than You
* Little Drummer Boy's To Blame Again (Oh no, Now He's Dead, Choked On Vomit, May Have Been Mine, Can't Dust For Vomit)
* We Don't Torture, We Whore-ture
* Look Out Lyndie, Roll Over Osama, Step Down Dupeya -- There's A New World's Most Wanted Terrorist In Town And Her Name Is Ashes In Your Mouth
* Teach Your Children Well That People Have Cell Video Snag It, Bag It & Tag It
* Video Killed The Radio Star And Cut Off The Head, Stuck It On A Spit, Had A Barbecue, And Charged The Eyes Of The World To Feast On The Beast
* Video Killed The Radio Star And Ate Its Liver With Some Fava Beans And A Nice Chianti
* I Can Smell Your Cunt In A Celebrity Tragedy Movie Of The Week
* You Stop Talking To Me Bitch And I'll Stop Making You Smell My Stinking Feet
* Auto Die Ogre Feet
* I Am Me As You Are Me As You Are She And We Are All Together Way Too Fucked Up
* And When I Am Dead & Gone You'll Never Have To See Lip-synching Again (Unless You Come To The Wake) (Or Watch It Online On MP3)
* Have You Ever Shot Yourself In The Foot When It Was Already Up In Your Mouth?
Mike Burns: BURN HER!
A is for Ashes for Ashlee!
She is the new Crimes Of Paris, Skankina Aguilera, Shinehead O'Connor, Madonnabe, Patti Slice, Hanoi Jane, Yoko LennOno.
I say bring back the Salem Witch Trials. Has it yet been proved there is no connection between 9/11 and Ashlee Insane, I ask you. No, it has not. "We do not torture." No, we do not. But Ashlee Simpson steps in front of a camera. Weapons of Mass Destruction? Acid Reflex, drummer bummers, backing tracks, lip-synching, wine, processed fast food, the moans of assembly-lined stunned sacred cows, tabloids, SNL, college bowl games, celebreality shows. These are nukular bombs.
She is become Death.
The fact is that all the above pariahs are all heroes of mine. The fact is this one like us all has made mistakes. But she can sing. From what I saw at the Orange Bowl she looked and blew her horn and danced and laid it down hot. And she has made two kickin' albums. WTF?! OH MY GAWD, YOU DIDN'T?! FLOG HIM! Anybody got any flog? Yes, you read it here first apparently. "She's like heroine to me/ She cannot miss a vein." They may not be Highway 61 Revisited and Blonde On Blonde, but they rock. Highway 61 was after all Dylan's 6th release. She's only released two albums so far. STRING HIM THE FUCK UP! Anybody got any string?
GIVE 'EM ALL HELL AND MORE DAMN COWBELL, BABY!
[BTW, ASHES, IF YOU EVER NEED YOUR DOGS RUBBED OUT,
I'M YOUR FOOTMAN]
Many people find the subject of animal and American idol slaughter distasteful and prefer not to know the details of what goes on inside a slaughterhouse even as they fully participate in it themselves. As such, in the West, the connection between being daily blindfolded and brainwashed into shipping our best packaged meat products off to foreign supermeatmarkets and the live animals they are derived from is lost in transit and translation.
"Meat is murder" and "Soilent Green is people!" Nevertheless, the majority of people in the West eat meat every day, first filling them with holes, are active cannibals without supposedly realizing it and believing it even when they fucking have to know, so slaughterhouses are required to efficiently provide meat products on an industrial scale to support the troops. At the same time, most countries in the rest of the civilized world have laws and regulations that control the slaughter of animals, both for human consumption and for the prevention of war. But we have the coalition of the willing to do the killing for the drilling of blood for oil for lies for cold hard cash. Therefore, the operation of slaughterhouses is usually independently monitored by government agencies, the inmates running the asylum as business as usual, most especially to ensure that standards and costs of hygiene are maintained and weighed against the gains of selling off young studs that can be sacrificed and forgotten and restocked, shipped back out and taken completely in.
Animal rights groups and some vegetarians and peacenik pussies prefer to highlight the practices inside a slaughterhouse - in part to expose and correct allegedly inhumane treatment of animals and man's inhumanity to man where it occurs, but also to encourage people to face the reality of meat production, of what total fucking savages we are, raping and killing and eating and laying waste to everything and everyone on mother earth, which may lead to more people's choosing a meat-free or reduced-meat diet, or just plain strains of mercy and brother and sisterhood. Some animal and human-rights advocates regard the activities performed in slaughterhouses as cruel or unconscionable and demanding that the rottenest slaughter masters are arrested, tried, convicted and executed. The consciousness is restless, weighing the morality versus the strength and necessary sacrifice of the evil overlords. We'd like to think that, nobody wins unless everybody wins, but that is such a pile of bloody entrails. Men are sent into battle, women are beaten and denied into submission, and children are like trapped rats in a cage. Some motherfucking patriotic corporate killing machines in the name of religious lies and a God that doesn't exist must join him where everybody knows this is nowhere. They must be drained of their white power, must be knocked down hard and then be buried beneath their amber waves of greed and their congressional military industrial complex bullshit. Hail to the thief of Baghdad.
Until that peace in our time that will never happen in my lifetime or anyone else's, this old Clash fan might as well might as well get real gone for a change and believe in fairies. I dream in Ashlee and Avril, Lindsay and Skye, and maybe I'll even vote for Hilary, and devote myself to them as much as in anything else. You can't catch me or tell me who to get off on or what punk is. Nazi punks, Nazi punks, fuck off! Beauty is in the open eye of the beholder, and who can fully explain taste in art. I know what I like. These girls have hit me in the head and the heart and they make me smart and hurt so good. They write, dance and yeah, they can fucking sing. And can I get a hell yeah, they look sharp. My punk pop rock princesses are rebels in their own rites. They are the Supergirls that rock my world. And the more Ashlee is vilified and crucified the more she becomes my Number 1, and the more I will catch her and dig her when she falls and crashes and burns and rises, again, all the while as she rebels in her way and propels herself forward into the past, because that girl's got big balls and tall talents. Shit my own whole life has been an embarrassment... of riches, bitches. I always root for the underdog but she's no bitch. She's a hellcat and a laff riot. I mug for the camera therefore I am me. Chicks that freedom rock against and with the cock are the walk and the talk and the shit.
"Are men necessary?" Hell, no. Only maybe as a necessary evil just to be around to praise and promote women. Men have fucked up the world ever since day 1 when we bought and owned and sold and turned it in to a slaughterhouse. We are obsolete. I better see a woman president before I die. I want that as much as more than anything. I want to see something good happen to slow this fucking endless cycle of violence. Women aren't perfect. No one and nothing is. But they are better than my kind. They have to be. They just must bust loose. They're coming over and I'm following. It's time for them to take a chance to run things. They deserve it. I am so fucking glad I have not brought another man, a boy, a son, into this world. It will be no loss at all when this one takes his turn to exit, stage left. Even Ashlee Simpson's got it... Soul.
Ashlee for President in '08.
(2005) BEST GIFT LIST EVER
FOR HIM -- DIRTY OLD HIPPIES/PUNKS/POPS
(For Aqualung, my friend)
["I fought the war/ But the war won" -- Metric, "Monster Hospital"]
ASHLEE SIMPSON -- I Am Me
LINDSAY LOHAN -- Raw (A Little More Personal)
METRIC -- Live It Out
ANNIE -- Anniemal
LIZ PHAIR -- Somebody's Miracle
GOLDFRAPPE -- Supernatural
GREEN DAY -- American Idiot
THE KILLS -- No Wow
RILO KILEY -- More Adventurous
AVRIL LAVIGNE -- Under My Skin
SKYE SWEETNAM -- Noise From The Basement
KYLIE MINOGUE -- Ultimate Kiley
TEGAN AND SARA -- So Jealous
THE WALKMEN -- Bows + Arrows
GILLIAN WELCH -- Soul Journey
NELLIE MCKAY -- Get Away From Me
THE VON BONDIES -- Pawn Shoppe Heart
THE CARDIGANS -- Long Gone Before Daylight
PEACHES -- Fatherfucker
SONS AND DAUGHTERS -- The Repulsion Box
THE SUPER-MILK CHAN SHOW -- Volume 4: Milk and Kookies
AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE -- Volume 4
SEALAB 2021 -- Season 3
CRAZY HORSE -- Le Show
Whipping posted by thewaymouth, subgenius blowhole, MikeBrns4U@aol.com
Only aol member to reply so far, flamedescendant, offered this:
boy, you sure put alot of time into this. Now, if it were coherent, I would have read it...
To which MikeBrns4U fired back:
Now, since you admit you did not read it, how do you know it is not coherent? And since you don't read what you reply to, how would I know you know what coherent means or is?
"If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? You! Yes, you behind the bikesheds, stand still laddie!"
And with a name like flamedescendant, I might have expected so much more. Certainly you were not born of this burn for I am an unforgettable fire that ignites your brain to yearn to burn down the kitchen, or to learn never to touch this flame again since you obviously can't stand the fucking heat.
"There are more things in heaven and earth, flamedretarded,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."