Saturday, July 05, 2008
WELCOME, Clones of '08
I am nu-monet v10.0, with handy information about
your new existence on nu-Earth 10, and what you are
supposed to do now that you have left your comfortable
abode of the sludge pots of the Xist ships, for a short
and unhappy life of slavery and despair on this rock.
To start with, once again nu-Earth 9 died on schedule
and it, and it and all its replacement inhabitants are
now a burning blob of space detritus. But a shiny new
exact duplicate nu-Earth 10 takes its place and will
remain valid, as will you, for slightly less than the
next solar year.
But I am getting ahead of myself. Let me give you the
Clone history of this amazing cluster fuck of which you
are now involuntarily a part.
This all began many cycles ago when the deity J.R. "Bob"
Dobbs determined that the greater, if minority species
on the original planet Earth (Sol-3) should be preserved
in some manner, which He commissioned the Xist Goddesses
of Planet X so to do.
This culminated in the original X-Day event of the Earth
calendar year 1998, at exactly 7:00:00.000 am, when some
of the original Yetisyny were brought aboard the Xist
cargo craft "XCC (unpronounceable)". However, due to
the effects of genetic corruption with the dominant and
damned species, the Xists refused to accept a large
portion of the Yetisyny until they had managed to delete
these unwanted contaminant chromosomes.
So they created nu-Earth (1), an exact duplicate of all
inorganic substances on the original Earth, and populated
it with the "Remainer" SubGenii, along with Replicants,
Replicoids, Androids, Mandroids, Robotoids, Organic Plastic
Cyborgs, Siliclones, Simulcrums, Animatrons, Animetrons,
Real Dolls, Zombies, Zoombies, and Zooids. As well as a
goodly amount of synthetic organic shrubbery.
(Most of the merehume humanoids are Zooids: mindless,
soulless things that are like yeast cells, consuming,
watching TV, voting and excreting. They do not, however,
make decent beer.)
We Clones were included to replace SubGenii who had been
ruptured aboard the Xist ships, at considerable expense to
the Xists, I might add, since we have Pstench enhancement
to more closely approximate the Remainer Yetisyny.
We needed this because, in their rage and frustration at
being left behind on the original X-Day, besides coating
their official Church Scribe in honey and feathers and
throwing him into a lake, where he had to be rescued by
the Earth sub-diety known as Satan, the Yetisyny also
butchered and ate most of the Clone replacements newly
arrived there to replace the missing SubGenii, in a
mindless frenzy typical for that species.
And they would butcher and eat us as well, were it not
for Pstench enhancement. (I would like to add that as
a new Clone, you are very radioactive, which should keep
you reasonably healthy for the next year, especially if
you consume a great deal of other healthy products like
tobacco and alcohol. This, however, may damage electronic
equipment in your vicintity.)
You mission, of course, is the annoyification of the
Remainers to help them purify themselves in the fires
of Slack. Or at least to annoy them, the bastards.
Some of the major events in subsequent years were that
during the Clone transport from the Xist ships during
X-Day 2, the Xists were attacked by Zist ships, so only
my predecessor is believed to have been successfully
Xported to Earth mind intact, while the rest arrived
either brain dead or so scrambled that all they could
do was to argue politics, not even aware they were
The remaining Remainers continue to disappoint, showing
only marginal drive and motivation to purge their human
defects and emphasize their "Bob"-given Slackfullness.
They continue to do things like keeping their jobs and
not Slacking off, caring if various replicant beings do
not "get the joke", and keeping the wool far away from
In any event, Clone nu-monet v3.0 was able to form an
alliance with a hideous, evil entity known as Zuul, who
has superb data retention, and is slowly learning to
infiltrate and control other SubGenius Clones, which
will surely benefit all Clones.
For this and other reasons, Clone nu-monet v5.0 began to
collect SubGenius souls in generic salad dressing jars
in an underground vault, so that "Bob" may make a great
show of bringing a great assembly aboard the Xist ships
at some point. And so that a few can be used to feed
Zuul. And to torment for the pure enjoyment of Clones,
like making them listen to pop music.
Billions of merehume souls have also been retained, in
considerably less luxurious surroundings, for use as
fuel and food aboard the Xist ships. Some of the more
entertaining ones have been preserved for use as toys
and objects d'art by the SubGenii, as well.
The bottom line is that we Clones are getting totally
shafted in this deal, since "Bob" only cares about his
Yetisyny favorites, which He probably just fucks and
eats anyway. Just remember that Clones have no
obligation to preserve and protect Remainers, and the
sooner they, or their souls, are transported off this
unnatural edifice, even if it takes all the way to the
solar year 8661, only then will we be free to return
to the lovely sludge from which we were stolen.
Have a nice year before you disintigrate and are